I’m tired.

Two nights ago I only managed three hours of sleep. Would you like to know why? Of course you would!

A good friend of mine had just been dumped by his girlfriend. Needless to say, he was in dire need of consoling and I, being the good friend I am, was there to provide it – for four, long, painful hours. On a related note, if you’re thinking of dumping someone in the near future, PLEASE OH PLEASE do it before 11pm! Nothing quite says Sunday night better than a four hour “cheering up” session with a good friend from 11pm – 3am.

What I told my friend, as I’m sure any other rational-thinking human being would suggest as well, is that being without a girlfriend is all for the better. In fact, seeing how we both share the same love for bacon, I actually came up with five solid reasons why bacon is better than girlfriends.

Here is the opposing view “Top 5 Reasons Bacon is Better Than Boyfriends

Without further ado, I present you the list:

1. Bacon Will Never Cheat On You

Yupp, you heard it here first folks. Bacon will never play you second fiddle to someone else. Bacon is always thinking of you and the numerous ways to make YOU happy. Besides, look on the bright side – IF you ever did find bacon getting a little too close to eggs or another food variety behind your back, you can just quickly swap that bacon for another piece of bacon that’s going to give your relationship the respect and attention it deserves. Not that bacon would ever do that anyway, but it can be one of those cases of one bad apple (bacon) spoiling it for the bunch, which leads me to my next point…

2. Bacon is Loyal

Bacon wants to be treated with respect just as much as you do. Contrary to popular belief, bacon enjoys being cooked and eaten – it’s scientifically proven. In fact, I swear every time I open my fridge door to choose a delicious pack of Maple Leaf bacon to cook I can hear faint cries of “pick me! Pick me!” emanating from the packaging. Bacon will never do anything to risk losing this relationship, and thus it remains loyal.

3. Bacon Treats You With Respect

Treat your bacon with respect and it’ll treat your tastebuds to respect they’ve never imagined tasting before. Cook your bacon with precision and care and your tongue will reap the benefits. Bacon cooked without tender love and care will be cheap tasting, but bacon cooked with love will always come out 100% tasty, every time. It’s definitely frustrating at times to know that no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, there are so many variables that will ultimately determine whether or not it is successful. Not so with bacon! The KISS (keep it simple stupid!) model applies thoroughly here – show bacon the respect it deserves, and it’ll extend the favour back your way. Wait a minute, maybe that’s the key to successful relationships too? Ah, I digress…

4. Bacon Doesn’t Get Jealous

Spending late nights and early mornings with ham, eggs, or perhaps even breakfast bagels? No problem. You won’t hear about it from bacon. Bacon doesn’t get jealous. Bacon knows you’ll be back – and oh yes, you will be back.

5. Bacon Looks Good No Matter What it is Dressed Up In

Ever tried convincing your girlfriend to lather herself in chocolate and sugar? -I’m sure she wasn’t all too keen on the idea, and if she was, well then maybe this list isn’t for you! Bacon, on the other hand, LOVES trying new things and is always open to experimentation! Bacon looks good dressed up in chocolate, caramel, or all by itself!

Is there a flip side to this argument? Ladies, do you think bacon makes for a better partner than boyfriends?! Or is the entire argument farfetched?