Bacon Squeez

At first, I thought this might almost be real. It is being sold, after all – and it’s not really that cheap! They also give a pretty plausible history for it. Apparently, Bacon Squeez was invented by a Swede after WWII. He developed a special way to cook bacon that turned it into a paste. Thus, Squeez Bacon was born! Also, according to the website, Squeez bacon helped bring ABBA together. Yeah, that’s where they started to lose me. The shelf life of “12 years” is also a bit of a giveaway.

They do have a cute video for Squeez Bacon. In it, they recommend putting Squeez Bacon on pretty much everything ranging from “sea meat” (sushi) to “American style break your fast” (Fruit Loops!) to more bacon. Yeah, it’s pretty cute:

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It also puts the nail in the coffin for me about whether or not Squeez Bacon is real.

Baconnaise

While Squeez Bacon does not exist (yet), baconnaise does. Baconnaise promises to combine two of the best flavours in the world: bacon and mayonnaise. In other words, when you are making a BLT, you can reduce the number of needed ingredients by one. As I am incredibly lazy, this is something I really need to know about.

Baconaise – like the similar bacon salt – is actually not made with real bacon. This does mean that any Kosher eaters or vegetarians out there can actually eat it. It also means that this is a pale imitation of the real thing, and in most cases should be avoided unless you’ve like run out of bacon. But why are you running out of bacon? WHY OH WHY.

Bacon Hot Sauce

While baconnaise is the marriage of bacon and mayonnaise, bacon hot sauce is the marriage of bacon and (basically) Frank’s Red Hot or Tabasco Sauce. Hey, if you are going to put hot sauce on something, it should probably taste a little bacon-y anyway. Go ahead: pour it on.

Also like the baconnaise, bacon hot sauce is not actually made from pork, so the vegatarians and the kosher folks can still eat it. Which, frankly, I think is not a good idea. Why do vegetarians even get the option to eat anything bacon-flavoured? They’ve already made their non-bacon-eating-bed. They should lie in it!

Bacon

What’s the best bacon condiment: well, bacon, of course! Condiments are defined as substances that enhance the flavours of food. I’d say bacon is pretty good at enhancing the flavour of food! And unlike some of these other condiments, bacon already has bacon in it. I highly suggest trying out Maple Leaf Ready Crisp Bacon.

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