Every day it feels like it is getting hotter. I’m trying not to move. It’s become difficult for me to even get up to get a glass of water, let alone search through the depths of the web for bacon-related clips.

With the help of some AC pointed directly at my face and my feet in a bucket of melting ice, I think I’ve found some crazy things for you, including a planet made of bacon, a ring made of bacon and some bacon-wrapped money. Click the link to check out the article before my face melts off. Gah.

 

Moon is Cheese, Jupiter is Bacon

It is a little known fact that the man who thought that Mars was covered in canals, Percival Lowell, long maintained that the entirety of Jupiter was composed of bacon. He believed that while the dying Martians tried to bring water to their cities through the use of canals, they also planned to solve their food shortage by building an entire planet out of bacon. Later biographers discovered that Lowell’s town suffered from an acute bacon shortage, and that he probably spent most of his time star-gazing dreaming about a bacon breakfast.

 

BLT Ring

Wow. I’ve seen a lot of crafty things that are bacon-related in my time as bacon expert. And honestly, a lot of them seem like they are leaning a little too hard in the DIY direction. But this! This is 100% craftsmanship. It’s a set of (silver? Platinum?) rings that when placed correctly, make it look like you are wearing a BLT ON YOUR FINGER. Yeah, I know! Like, totally. Where the heck’s my credit card?

 

Grilled Bacon, Artichoke, Arugula, and Goat Cheese Flatbread Pizza

This is a recipe for one of those little artisanal flatbread pizzas. Sure, it’s not as crazy satisfying as eating a giant slab of cheese and dough and tomato sauce. But you do get to put stuff like artichokes and goat cheese on it – which, I know you pretend you don’t like, but you secretly sort of love. And if you throw on some bacon, the whole thing just has to be made *now* and crammed into faces ASAP. Nom nom nom nom. *deep breath!* Nom nom nom nom nom.

 

Bacon-Wrapped Zesty Dates

I don’t have enough dates in my life – and I’m not talking about romance (that too, though – sad face). So I can do with an excuse to pick them up at the grocery store. What? We’re going to wrap them in bacon? And we are going to stuff them with apples and cinnamon and cream cheese? Why has OKCupid! never put this dish into my quickmatch? Cause I have a feeling we’d be 100% friends.

 

Bacon-Wrapped Money

They do some weird things in Silicone Valley. I’ve heard they are always zipping around on those segways, for starters. And now there are reports coming from there that the Google AdSense creator is using a weird way to attract job recruits to a new project. Apparently, if you get onboard with them, you will be given $11,000 wrapped in bacon. My Mom was right! I should have gotten into computer programming.