Who hasn’t fantasized about donning a suit of armour, hefting a mighty sword, mounting your noble steed and charging into battle for your lady- or gentleman-fair? It’s a dream that has inspired LARPers, Renaissance Fair goers, and anyone who hasn’t had time to find a Halloween costume. There is something about stories of adventure from a time of knights and dragons that captivates people even today, and countless novels and video games have been created to help people indulge in this most beloved form of escapism.
Now that you’re picturing yourself in a heroic, idealized form, resplendent in gleaming armour, think: how could this possibly be any better? What if your armour were made of bacon?I know the idea may seem a little out of left field, but we live in the age of the Internet. That means that no matter how crazy an idea I may have, and how certain I am that no one has ever has such a nutsy notion before, there is almost certainly going to be someone who has tried, perfected, and posted step-by-step instructions to creating said idea online.
Armour that Can’t Stop a Sword
Take, for instance, the bacon helmet. This piece of bacony wonder was recently created by a member of the online community Reddit and is modelled after the helmet worn by the Dragonborn character in Bethseda studios’ acclaimed new video game Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. This incredible helmet, complete with awesome, Viking-like horns, is made out of over two and a half pounds of crispy bacon, first carefully placed over a foil mold and then baked in the oven. Not only is this guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies, but it also can be served as part of a fine victory brunch.
The bacon helmet is not the only example of the fine art of baconcraft being used to create bacon armour and even bacon weapons. In the video game Minecraft, cheeky and intelligent players have figured out how to create custom modifications for the game. One of the coolest examples of these mods is bacon armour. Not only do you look delicious (maybe not the best look for when you’re clearing out a dungeon full of monsters), the armour does actually work to protect you in the game. Tasty, and effective!
But what about weaponry? Simply being defensive will only get you so far in a medieval battle of baconry. Eventually, you’re going to need something to fight with.
For that, there is the bacon lance. By wrapping a combination of cooked and raw bacon (well, prosciutto, a member of the bacon family) into a tube shape, adding a flow of pure oxygen and some fire, Theodore Gray was able to make a grease-powered plasma torch powerful enough to cut through steel. Check out the link above for amazing, detailed instructions and a video featuring actions you should not try on your own under any circumstances whatsoever. A mighty lance fit for a mighty bacon hero! I have attached the video below: