This year, there is absolutely no excuse: I am going to have a bacon-themed birthday party. I have always wanted to celebrate the anniversary of my birth by surrounding myself with as much delicious bacon as humanly possible. While bacon usually figured fairly prominently in the festivities – last year we prepared an epic bacon explosion on my beloved barbecue – this is the year I am officially going all out. Everything from the cake to the napkins is going to be bacon themed. Bacon gifts are highly encouraged. I am going to spend the entire day surrounded by my favourite food as well as all my favourite people, and go to bed feeling fat but completely happy.

I know my actual birthday isn’t until July, but I figure getting on this a month and a half in advance is just shrewd planning. This way, I can decide what I want well in advance and have plenty of time to get everything organized. Plus, if some wonderful person were to throw me a surprise party (Hint Hint Mr, Bacon!) then here are some excellent guidelines for them to follow.

Bacon Birthday Cake

Of course the birthday cake must be made of bacon. It must also still be a cake – none of this meat and mashed potatoes masquerading as cake. I want some sugar along with my fat. A cake drizzled with maple syrup and topped with strips of bacon, for instance, sounds just about perfect to me.

Bacon Party Hats

If someone can fashion a baseball cap out of meat, then they can certainly make me some bacon party hats. I bet that the bacon could be cooked over foil cones with crispy, to make the traditional points. Has anyone tried this before? If not, it might be a bacon birthday original!

Bacon Decorations

Check out those streamers – the combination of the pink and maroon looks just like streaky rashers of bacon! Even more than that, there is a rocking bacon centrepiece, cute little piggies everywhere, and, my personal favourite, party favours for the guests in the form of sweetly wrapped little packages of candied bacon!

Bacon Presents

True, this is the one wild card factor that I can’t control about my own birthday, but I sure can hint that what I want more than anything is even more bacon. Maybe some delectable bacon chocolates? Maybe a new pair of bacon-themed jammies? Whatever my loved ones decide to shower me with, might I suggest they used this fabulous bacon wrapping paper to conceal it in?